Pachelbel Rant

I actually really like the song Pachebell's Cannon, but I thought this was really funny. :)

Things I've Cut Myself On

A few hours ago, I ate some yogurt. While taking the spoon out of my mouth, the edge of it cut my lip. And then after a second spoonful, I cut my lip a second time. Honestly, I can't figure out how I did that. It's not like the edge of the spoon is sharp. It's just like all of the other spoons in the drawer. Odd. Suspicious!

I think this rivals the time I cut myself on an Oh Henry! wrapper.

Computers are wonderful.

I've got Skype now: kaitlin.smith

Call me some time! I want to learn how to use it... heheh.

Trendle

When my brother and I were little, we played a lot of video games together, and really, we still do. One of our favourites for a long time was Creatures 1. Did anyone ever play Creatures? Every once in a while it crosses my mind and I remember how much fun I had with that. I remember my dad got a laptop back when he was in the Port Colborne house and I put Creatures 1 on there. Everyone was watching a movie in the spare bedroom and I had the laptop in there with me. My Norns were all breeding like crazy and there were tons of babies everywhere... I have no idea why I remember that.

Creatures 2 was my favourite, though. Erik loved to throw them into the splicer and make crazy combinations of Norns. I downloaded Mernorns once and they became my favourite. I downloaded a COB that flooded the volcano room so that had more room to live in. Angel Norns were fun, too, but they were a handful.

Creatures 3 was alright, but I didn't like it nearly as much as Creatures 2.

My brother had a norn once named Trendle in Creatures 1 that became both of our favourites. He had the white hair and the green stripes on his arms. I'm not really sure where the name came from, or why he was so great. We even imported him into Creatures 2.

Erik sent me that picture over MSN and said, "Remember Trendle?" We talked about how much that game rocked. Good memories. :)

Woah...

Tomorrow is the beginning of the last week of class. The last week of my first semester of university. Seriously, where did the time go?

Counseling

Dear Science Drop-In Secretary,

You are a SECRATERY. Stop turning me away when I want to come in and talk to the counsellor. You're NOT the COUNSELLOR. I'm getting really mad at you. Stop being psychotic and let me talk to someone who knows what's going on!!

I'm about to send an e-mail to the counsellor because I have no other way to get in contact with her. (Out of the three times that I've tried to go talk to the counsellor, I've been turned away twice by this crazy secretary.) All I wanted to do was have someone explain to me how the sectioning for next semester works...

ARG!

Glasses and Joy

I'd just like to warn everyone that if I'm not wearing my glasses, I won't recognize you until you're a metre away from me. Dave had to run me over with his skateboard before I knew who he was, and I think that I might have walked right passed Evan this afternoon... I'm not really sure though. They had similar hair-shapes. Sorry :(

I just got back from talking to an academic counsellor. I'm dropping physics and chemistry this semester, so now I need two extra classes next semester. Should I take two environmental sciences, or one envrionmental science and a psychology class? Hmm! But basically, I'm going into computer science. I feel so, so much better to have this worked out. I just need to take the final step - log into SOLAR, then drop and add.

I'll only have three classes this semester... weird... I kind of don't like it. I'd rather be more busy.

There's a high chance of me going to the dark side and becomming a software engineer next year. Although, I'd have to take another first year, but that's not too much of a big deal. I'd also have to get new friends because I'd be stoned to death if they found out I had friends in science... I love you all. :)

Dreams

It figures that at the first oppertunity to get a really great sleep, I have a reoccuring "nightmare." I guess I wouldn't really call it a nightmare, as it wasn't terrifying, but it was still scary. This is the third time I've had this dream now... what's with that?

And these bags under my eyes are never going to go away. Grrrr.

Weeded Out

I just got my physics midterm back - 20%. The class average was 51%. So even though it wasn't a great exam for everyone... I'm not even near the average.

I can't seem to find a mark for chemistry. They have the solutions on the site, but I'd like my actual mark. I don't know if it's just me that can't find it or what. But I know I failed that too, because it went the exact same way as physics. They were both multiple choice, and none of my calculations matched any of the choices. Guessing can't get you a 50%, unfortunately.

So, I've been weeded out. I really like my astronomy class. It's something that I think I'd really love to do for work, but it just doesn't look like I can do it. I'm setting up appointments to change my major to computer science. I don't know what exactly in computer science yet... I could end up being a software engineer. Or maybe I'll get weeded out of that, too. I have research to do on that. I feel like I'm just giving up, and I don't want it to seem that way. I want it to seem like this just isn't for me... but I feel like astronomy is for me... but I can't do the things that astronomy requires...

I didn't feel like going to my math tutorial today because I haven't had time to even start the practice questions for the test next week. I forgot that we get our tests back in it today... crap. Maybe my TA would e-mail me my mark or something. I probably should've just gone.

I have an astronomy midterm tonight. I was feeling good about it, but now with the way that my midterms have been going... I don't know.

I want to pass the second midterms and the exams. This means double to work. Which requires a time machine. How the hell are you supposed to be able to do this? My mom told me that you pretty much can't, so I can't figure this out at all. I really am trying. I'm depressed and I want to sleep. I hate school.

I want to graduate.

I can't go to graduation tonight because I have to write a physics midterm that runs from 7:00-8:00pm. I'm upset.

I did get my money back that I paid for grad, but I definately feel like RCBHS owes me a proper and well-organized graduation that isn't on an effing Thursday night.

Anyway...

Interesting weekend, to say the least.

Between a hospital visit, crazy family, not having to sleep alone, physics, Fourthgiving, a breakdown, and being tired... it was an eventful two days and a bit.

Bloggy blog.

I'm really psyched about getting stuff done this weekend. I've started all my assignments early (but I haven't quite finished any of them early yet), which feels good. I'm hoping to get them all done this weekend.

I was thinking that I would talk to the dean about getting the test I thought I had changed from the day after graduation to whenever. Turns out that I can't figure out what that test was, and now I have a physics midterm right on grad night. So there's no way I can go now. But I'm most likely getting my money back, yay. I really wish I could go, though. I really do feel like I'm missing out.

Home!

I came home for the weekend, and it almost feels surreal. It's hard to explain. I think it may be due to the fact that I only slept for two and a half hours last night. It seems I'm on my second wind now, too. Yikes.

Definately planning to get a ton of sleep and catch up on everything that I feel that I need to get done. I can't wait for that sense of completion. Yay. :)

Homesick

I miss being an dependent kid. I'm homesick. I miss my mom and my brother a lot.

Being able to sit next to Steve and being able to talk to him is a temporary cure. But when I have to go back up to my room, alone, the homesick feeling comes back again.

It's just so much so suddenly. When does it start to get better?

Well... Hmm.

I just moved in. I've got everything unpacked, but nothing is really where I want it to be. A lot of stuff is still in its original packaging. My dad left a bit early, but my mom and Oma left about 10 minutes ago. My room mate went home for the afternoon. She seems really nice, and I kind of wish she didn't go... it's quiet and lonely in here. I have no clue at all where Steve is, and I'd kind of like to find him because I'm hungry and I don't know where to go/don't want to go alone.

Saying goodbye was depressing... I'm on my own now. Scary. My mom and Oma are coming to visit on Wednesday, though. My dad is working on the stream that goes through Cootes Paradise (which is pretty much my back yard), so I'll see him a lot.

Hmm... I'm bored and kind of cold. I hope Scarlett shows up soon so that I can at least hang out with her or something. :(

Crunch Time

Tomorrow is my last day here, and I've hardly packed a thing. Ack!

My time table is all figured out. It looks nicely balanced to me, but I guess we shall see what happens. My aunt is taking more history classes again this semester at Mac (she never really got a degree, so she's gone back to school, all the while taking care of two little kids and a husband... brave!), and we've decided to try and have lunch together every Thursday. We both have a free hour around the same time to hang out. I'm really glad she'll be there... she's cool.

I'm as neverous as anything!

New Car

So, today my mom is getting a new car. It was a by-the-way kind of conversation. The Civic has been troublesome lately, so I guess my mom has had enough. It's a 2007 Corolla LE. I haven't seen it yet, but it's AUTOMATIC. I'm just sad that there's finally a car that I'd be able to drive easily, but I'm moving out... Tear. :(

Getting Exercise

I guess I'm one of those people who wants it, tries, and just gives up over and over. It's pretty annoying, but I'm going to keep trying.

I've been going through the Mac Athletics & Recreation booklet that I got in the mail a long time ago. They have a section for Fitness, and it includes cardio and weight training type things. All three sound interesting to me. I'd really like to join the gym. I keep hearing that regular exercise is key to not killing yourself with stress in university, but I'd also like to feel better and look better. There's fitness appraisal, which is a meeting thing where they give you goals and plans and stuff. There's also personal training, and group training. Personal training might be good, but I hear that it's better just to have a trainer once every few weeks to make sure that you're doing everything properly and such. Group training might be fun, because you bring one or two friends to learn exersizes that the group can help each other with. But, it's probably not good to rely on someone to get your routine done.

Hmm. I think I'll definately join either way. There's other fun activites, too. There's ballroom dancing, and Steve's already agreed to go with me. :D

Clothes

I just cleaned out my dresser and my closet. I never realized how many things that I never wore anymore, and that don't fit me. There's still plenty of things that I'm iffy on. Now I can easily see what I need to buy, and it's a little scary how much I need. So... anyone need to go clothes shopping still?

It's Okay

This has been nagging me for a bit.

I've been feeling awkward at parties. It kind of makes me feel iffy towards going to them. It's just that everyone seems to be waiting for me to go so that everyone can drink. I guess... no one ever asked. There was that huge thing awhile ago, and from it, a million assumptions were made. You can drink while I'm there. At first I felt like no one was having fun just being what we always had been, but I guess this is part of growing up. I haven't really had a fun or exciting time with a drunk person before, so it's not like it's something I get all psyched for... I'm just indifferent. I don't drink because I haven't found anything that tastes good to me, and I just don't care that much about it. I can wait a year, it's just not important to me. The only thing that ever bothered me was a reason to drink that two people gave me. It's just such a wrong and sad reason to do it.

Part of me sees myself as an idiot, missing out on something that you all seem to have so much fun with. That part of me wants to be a "normal teenager" so badly. I want to have fun with my friends again, and not feel like such a weird outcast.

I kind of feel like I've been a hassle to have over. I'm sorry about all this. I'm a little sad that no one ever asked, but then again, I'm much more annoyed at myself for never saying anything. And I didn't know how else to say it but in writing. So... whatever. It's okay.

♪ When I look at the stars

Every once in a while, the view of the night sky is absolutely amazing from my driveway. The stars are truely the most beautiful things I have ever seen. There's just something about them that seems to make thought so clear...

Birthday for Phil

The Damage
Originally uploaded by Kaitlin Smith.

Yesterday I brought Phil some cupcakes for his birthday. We had fun eating them, watching "So You Think You Can Dance," and playing FFXI. I also got to see more baby bunnies. ♥ I can't get over how cute they are. I really wish I could take some home, or at least one. I really like rabbits.

I've discovered a way to edit my picture nicely, so I've been doing that. I took all of my pictures off of Flickr, and I've been adding them back on. I've only been adding a few older photos that I really like, but I'm definately not putting them all back on. It's incredibly boring to do, but at the same time I feel like it has to be done... it's like I'm giving myself busywork.

Countdown

Click Here to get this from FreeFlashToys.com!

Work

Yesterday I took a decongestant, and I felt a lot better. I thought I'd be pretty much healthy today. And yet, this morning, I woke up worse. I couldn't breathe very well and I had developed a cough and a tiny bit of a sore throat. Luckily enough though, when I sat up for a bit, the breathing got better. Unfortunately, I also sound like a man. Now I'm worried about how long I'll be sick for...

I just called in sick. I couldn't tell which woman was at the other end of the line, but she wasn't particularly observant.

Me: Hi, it's Kaitlin. I have a cold, so I won't be coming in today...
Her: Oh, there's someone in already.
Me: ...Well yeah, I work 12:30 - 8:30 today. I'm just calling in ahead of time.
Her: Well, Stephanie is in already.
Me: I know, but I can't come in later.

Yeah, that went on for a bit. It turns out that they also changed my hours again without letting me know... The woman said that I was working until 9, not 8:30. I really, really hate when they do that. Would it be so hard to just give me a quick call to let me know? Ugh.

Too Fast

My mom is doing alright so far. She's figured out how to balance all the pills so that she doesn't feel too sick. She tried to explain it to me - something about taking the anti-nausea pills at just the right time before (or was it after?) the chemo pills - but I can't quite remember. There's quite a few other pills in there too that she has to take.

And of course, I had to go and get sick. I caught a cold from my dad. I'm kind of angry with him about it... He knew that my mom could get really, really sick if she caught it too, yet he still hung around Erik and I a whole lot. I mean, I could visit with him, but it would've been a good idea for not a whole weekend plus a Wednesday... I'm washing my hands and using sanitizer as often as I can. My mom is now at risk of bad pneumonia because of me.

I just now noticed the date. It's the 4th, soon to be the 5th, which means that time is going by quickly. My move-in date is on September 3rd, which means that it's less than a month away... I'm pretty terrified. There's a lot that I need to do before I go, and it seems like too much. I don't want to leave.

Today Is...

• My Oma's birthday.
• Steve's birthday.
• The end of the first half of our vacation.
• My mom's first day of chemo and radiation.
• Very cloudy.

My mom bought me a bunch of stuff for university for my birthday. I got this really nice hair dryer with a defuser (ahh, thank God!), a toothbrush and toothpaste (since we all share an electric toothbrush that you can just switch around the brush part), and a wireless printer. Although, I found out that you can use wireless anything in the dorms, and they get angry if you set up anything wireless. But my mom and I were very happy to find out that they included a USB cable in the box, just in case. I love it.

Moving On

Today I learned where my new home will be. I'm living in Hedden Hall with a girl named Michelle. Scarlett and I are in the same building. Steve is living in Brandon Hall, and it looks like they're almost right next to each other. I move out on September third.

Profile

I got a Facebook profile in hopes of meeting some people from Mac and from my program, because Mac's forums suck. I think it'd be nice to make some friends or at least be aware of some people before I move there. Unfortunately, my program doesn't look that popular on there...

Yeah, it's a lot like MySpace, but this is nice because there's not emo 12-year-olds making comments with sixty exclamation marks that screw up your layout.

An apology

I'm sorry I never took more initiative to make sure that you'd all like me more. I didn't try hard enough to get closer to all of you, or to share in your interests. I regret it. My summer is lonely and I feel like I'm wasting away. I'm sorry for everything that I've complicated and ruined. I never meant anything to turn out that way, but I guess everything I've done has turned in that direction. I only wish that I could change me so that I'd have my friends back. I'd change with everything else that has, so I'd still be with all of you. I love you all and miss you all a lot. I'm sorry for it all.

Ugh.

Tonight, I got to stay home and play Pokemon by myself. I'm getting tired of this. I wish I were 'normal' and could have fun like everyone else.

Two Years Ago

July 15, 2004 was a hard day. I woke up and cried hard because everything was happening all at once - my Grandmother had been diagnosed with cancer in three different places six months ago, and July was the month they gave her until; and Steve was to fly to Vietnam for five weeks the next day.

I dragged myself out of bed and got ready for an 8-hour shift at Brodie's. I couldn't eat. I cried while I rode my bike there. It was pathetic, really. The day dragged on and on. There was nothing good or memorable about that work day, but I was glad it was over.

I rode my bike home feeling a little more calm. I jumped into the shower, ate dinner, and rode my bike to Scarlett's house where a trailer party was going on. Danielle was leaving for Malta in a few days as well. It kind of felt like a goodbye party to me. We ate junk food and had fun. There was strip poker, but that ended in disaster. Closer to the end, Steve and I sat at the other side of the trailer from everyone else. We said something like a goodbye, and practically everyone was a witness to my first kiss.

The party ended late and everyone's parents took them home. It was a little depressing, but it was still fun. I survived the day, and I'd made it through.

Steve came home and my grandma beat her odds. She's still beating them two years later, even if she isn't in as good as shape as she was back then. Steve is still home too. Sometimes he talks about going back to Vietnam. Everytime he does, I desperately want to go with him. I think we both know that it's not something I'd really enjoy, but... it would be hard to say that goodbye again. It sounds silly.

It's funny, I can remember some dates so vividly. On our way back to Fort Erie, Steve mentioned just after midnight that it was the 15. I paused for a moment and said that it was a very difficult day, and we both sat for a moment and thought about it.

Surprises and Concerns

I'm getting concerned that I'm going to make next-to-no money this summer. My hours are getting few and far between, and it seems like the summer is producing more bad weather than usual. I'm on call again. Considering that I was supposed to start at 11:30 and it's now 11:35, I'm not confident that I'll be working today. On-call lasts until 1:00 for both Erik and I. Erik is absolutely hating his job and is loving this on-call thing, but I need some money. I've already asked for at least 4 days of work (we hired another girl this year, so there's fewer hours for everyone), but I guess my boss is having some trouble fitting it in. There's been a few 4-day weeks though.

My dad ordered my laptop this morning and I was pretty surprised to hear that. He just bought him self this rather large plasma TV (don't get me wrong, that's exciting for me, too... video games and movies will be just amazing on that thing), and I assumed that my laptop would be delayed for the third time. He told me that he was only going to spend $800, but it turned out to be much more than that. He showed me the specs, and I'm excited because it'll be able to do a lot more than school work. It was really nice of him to spend so much more, and I'm feeling a little guilty that he's changed his mind on getting me to pay a small portion. Oh well, I'm greatful anyway.

The cancer centre has called twice now. Once for a concern about my mom taking antibiotics because the incision got infected a little, and once to talk about drug coverage. Both of the women were really nice on the phone, and weren't like telemarketers at all. I was kind of impressed. My mom went to work today and she's going again tomorrow. I think she really, really misses it. I'm so glad her boss is a great guy, too... he's taken her to several appointments and the initial scan that found the tumor. He's keeping her job safe for as long as it takes to get better.

There was a meeting today and the doctors told her what it is. My mom has brain cancer. She'll start radiation and chemotherapy in about two weeks. With the radiation, they can't guarantee that her hair will ever grow back at the front of her head. Radiation will last six weeks, and chemo for at least a year.

My mom is feeling a lot better, every day.

Things are looking up, but I'm definitely ready for my Oma and Opa to go home now.

Wow.

My Opa just vacuumed the oven.

Things Are Looking Up

My mom is healing well and is coming home today. I think she'll get better a lot faster if she can rest at home. She's also pleased because she was worried that she'd forget English when she woke up and only remember German, but that didn't happen.

Yesterday night, my dad took Steve and I to Mac for an acedemic councilling session where we got to ask questions about the courses we need to take for Science I. I'm feeling a lot better about university now. This morning I went though the course callendar and bookmarked and highlighted all the information on the classes I'm going to take. They all sound hard and scary, but at least I know what I have to expect. I'm glad Steve has decided what he wanted to do, as well. He seemed worried about getting into med school, but I think he's got his plan now.

I got a whole bunch of papers and a big course callendar book from that session, and they all have some pretty good details on what steps I need to take. There's a checklist, too. (♥ checklists) I spoke to the Astronomy profs, and one of them remembered me from the open house that was in May, which I thought was awesome. He'll be one of my profs, and he's really nice and helpful, so I'm happy about that. One of the others was a really nice woman who explained all the courses to me, and the other was this super-tall older guy that likes to learn about space by shooting lasers at stars. Hmmmm. (Scarlett, go to one of these sessions! I'm not sure when they have the radiation stuff, but the whole thing was really helpful. :D)

On the down-side, my work schedule is looking quite... sparse. They called me off today because there's absolutely no one there, and then I'm only working three days next week. Maybe it's because they're all 8-hour shifts, but... I need at least one more day. Money is good. D:

Anyway, that's my happy little update.

Can't wait for mom to get home.

Long Day

The surgery was this afternoon, and now the biggest part is over. I keep being told to think of this in steps, and it'll be better that way. For now, all she needs to do is rest and get better.

The surgery was delayed because someone screwed up and forgot to do some sort of scan at the pre-op. They had to do it right before, and one everything was figured out, the surgery went on.

It took three hours, even though we were told it would take as long as four or five hours. Everything went perfectly. The surgeon was able to get all of the visable tumor out, and a scan just has to confirm if any cells remain. If it's cancer, it's a "low grade", meaning that it's either non-threatening, or hardly threatening. Of course, the biopsy has to confirm this first. They made the cut below her hairline, so they didn't need to get rid of any hair at all, which I think will make her happy.

We got to see her for only two minutes, and I screwed up those two minutes. She really wasn't as bad-looking as I assumed she would be. The cut was long and very fresh-looking (I don't know how else to describe it). We all held her hands and told her that we were here, and that she did great. She never opened her eyes or spoke, but she nodded. She nodded when they asked if she was in pain. On the side I stood on, my mom had a line into her neck as an alternative to an IV during surgery. It wasn't the incision that bothered me - when I saw that line in her neck, I practically fainted. I guess it wasn't a complete faint because I didn't fall over, but I certainly couldn't see or hear or stand up anymore. The nurse got really pissed when I said I felt faint. "That's exactly why we don't usually let people in here." Sorry lady, but I wanted to see my mother, who just had brain surgery. Screw off. She made us leave a little sooner that we would've had to.

Tomorrow we're going to see her in the morning. I hope I can talk to her... I really want her to know that I miss her and she did such a good job. I hope she's not in pain. I hope she's finally getting some sleep right now.

Keeps Going

Nothing has really set in yet. I can't decide if I've really become numb to all these changes, or I just don't care. I feel odd and kind of out of place.

I've wanted to go out a lot lately. Normally I'm happiest just getting fat in front of my computer, but something keeps telling me to just go and leave. Somewhere. I don't know what. Unfortunately, I'm kind of trapped. My day of driving the Civic went well except for one moment, and now I'm not feeling so enthused about taking the car again. I want to really badly, but we'll see.

My mom's surgery is tomorrow morning. The whole situation is so surreal. My mom was saying today that she still feels like it's not her that it's happening to, it's another person. Tomorrow is going to be a terribly long day. Impatience, fear, and worry don't make time pass quickly. I have jobs tomorrow, too. I'm in charge of bringing my mom's bracelet to her that she really likes after the surgery. It's also my job to call the entire family once she's out of surgery. My cell phone battery has been iffy lately, and I hope it'll last the day if I'm using it constantly.

My oma and opa just had an arguement, while I was sitting here next to them, about going home. My oma says that she wants to stay for at least a week after my mom's surgery to make sure that we'll all be okay (mom's friends have already made up shifts to take her to her radiation therapy and anything else we need to get to), but my opa wants to leave ASAP. He says their house needs to be looked after. My mom's brother lives 10 minutes away from their house, I don't see why he can't take care of it...

Starting

My mom has pre-op today in just a few hours.

Her surgery is scheduled for Monday morning.

But the stupid thing is, my mom can get there and they can tell her that there's no bed space, so they'd have to reschedule the surgery. How stupid. Let's just get it over with.

Driving

Everyone has decided that I am ready to drive the Civic by myself - I just need to start very slowly.

I'm taking it to and from work, and then afterwards, to Steve's house (backroads FTW!), and then hom again.

Wish me luck... :(

I just want...

My Opa won't leave me alone. Ever since he got here, he's been mocking me for wanting to be an astronomer. I realize that jobs aren't exactly wonderful in that area, but I know that if I really work at it and be the best I can be, I can be an astronomer. And maybe I'll end up finding something else I love while in university, and decide to go on a different path.

But my Opa said that if I want to go to school, it should be culinary school. I should be learning how to cook so I can get a husband and make him stay. Actually, I shouldn't even be worrying about school. I should be learning to cook at home.

I've worked too damn hard to just be a housewife. It's fine if others are comfortable with it, but I'm not. I don't want to become the woman who seeks approval through dinner. I want to earn things, I want to work at something I genuinely love and have interest in, and I want to have pride in myself, knowing that I've worked hard to get to where I'll be.

I grumbled about this to my mom. She told me that he went on and on about this to her when she was my age, too. What the hell is his problem?

It's nice that he's here with Oma to help around the house for a while, but I'm sick of being told what to be. I want to be me, not a wife.

This makes me want to never get married.

Prom?

I'm a little surprised that there haven't been any blogs or pictures posted yet that involve prom. What's up? I want pictures. :(

Pictures

Their Table
Originally uploaded by Kaitlin Smith.

I added my prom pictures to my Flickr account. I noticed that I really didn't take that many... oh well. Some are pretty nice. Take a look at them.

Difficult

On Thursday, June 8th, my mom was told that she has a relatively large tumor in her left frontal lobe. Everyone is trying hard to grasp the fact that my mom now has a brain tumor, and it's sinking in at much different levelsfor everyone. I didn't cry until the next morning, when I just couldn't stand it anymore. My brother has just been acting deadpan, and that worries me. My dad is upset, and he and I are trying really hard to look after her.

When my mom found out, she was given IV steriods to try to get the tumor to start shrinking, and the side effects still haven't completely worn off. The night she got those steriods, she could walk she was so dizzy. The next morning she only got dizzy if she moved her head, so she spent the entire day on the couch. She was really bored. This morning she went and sat out in the sun, and I was happy to see that my mom was a little better. She says she still feels nautious though.

She has to take a bunch of medication for about a week and half, then they'll do another scan to see if the tumor got smaller. If it does, then they're just going to do a biopsy to find out what it is exactly. If it's still the same, then it needs to immediately come out and they'll biopsy it after it's out. My mom is sad that half of her head will be shaved, but the scar will be cool. It'll be going from the front of her head to the back. I guess the scar is how I'm trying to keep my spirits up. Either way, she needs radiation therapy after.

My mom can't drive because of the dizziness, so we feel kind of trapped. I feel awful that I never tried harder to learn to drive the Civic.

My mom's boss and his wife have been here every day to look after her and keep her entertained. We haven't been able to buy groceries in two weeks, but they bring us food. They skipped their trip to New York to take care of my mom. My Oma and Opa are arriving today, but I'm not sure how long they're stying. They're going to cook and clean for my mom while she gets better.

It's been really hard. My mom doesn't really like people to worry over her, but we have to. She will probably be in for surgery during exam week. I've had very little sleep over the past few days, and I can only imagine that it's worse for her. I'm terrified. I keep telling myself that, whatever is in her brain, she's going to beat it. But sometimes you wonder what's going to happen. There's lots of people here to look after her, and the doctors are doing their best... I know. But it's still really hard.

Prom was a good escape, but towards to end of the night I had this horrible guilt in me that kept saying, "How can you be here dancing when mom is feeling crappy on the couch?" I went home a bit early to see that she was waiting up for me. Steve and I hung around with her until she went to bed, and then Steve slept over.

666

Tomorrow is June 6, 2006. My brother's friend Damien always gets a ton of fun poked at him for this sort of stuff, but tomorrow is just too perfect. I pulled out the old tarot cards and went through them. I found The Devil and gave it to my brother, who then wrote 06/06/06 on the back. He's giving it to Damien tomorrow.

By the way, Damien's phone number is 6661, which is just too awesome.

Tomorrow is also the due-date for all university stuff. I'm glad I'm all done with that. Hopefully everyone has accepted and paid what they had to. :)

Work

I'm not sure why, but every time I see a new schedule posted at work, I feel almost claustrophobic. I can't think of a better way to describe it, but that's pretty much the feeling I get. I can't figure out why this happens. It's not a bad thing to see next week's hours, it's useful. Then I know what's going to happen.

I've always had this fear of not being able to relax, though. It probably comes from the fact that I relax too often. But it's the same with school... I'm terrified of my life becoming purely university next year. I want to have fun, to be able to sit by myself or with my friends. Maybe it's the same way with work. I'm afraid that I'm going to be spending all this time just cooking fries.

But I got a paycheque today. That was nice.

I'm weird. With the hours that I'm working, there's no way my life would just be cooking fries. And I'm always worried about Steve and I having stupid hours and having trouble seeing each other, but in the back of my head I know that won't happen. Which brings me to my next thought about working full-time next summer, or else I'll starve. And the dilemma of wanting to work during school so that I'm not calling my mom for money every so often. But can I deal with that?

I made a calendar website that has my hours and Erik's hours on there. It's mostly for my family to use so that they can plan things around us working (that always causes trouble for them, and when I tell them hours, they forget 5 minutes later). If you guys want to use it for whatever reason, go ahead. The link is to the right. It's not a pretty calendar, but it does its job.

Alright.

I've decided that I'm content with this layout. I played around with it a bit, and I figured out how to add extra little sections on the side there. I was clever and added a Friends section, since I miss that bit about LiveJournal.

I keep reading my organizer and it makes me feel small. There's so many things written down on there, and an even longer list in my head. There's so many things to do, and I'm just one small girl. I want to tell myself that there's just three weeks left, but that makes me feel smaller.

Summer is coming.

The Line

The Line
Originally uploaded by Kaitlin Smith.

By the way, I went to Anime North last Saturday. It made me an official nerd because I attended a convention and had a ton of fun. I didn't dress up, but ooooh, there are plans to next year. Heheheh.

I don't know what to do.

I'm good at crafts, not science.

So now what?

Found

I had heard about a book called Found, and discovered that it also has a website. People find and collect notes from the ground, trash, hidden away, etc. and send in these scraps of paper. Some of them are amazing. Some are sad. Cute, funny, scary... but they're all just so interesting. People are interesting.

Here are some of them that I looked at and liked:
Hangman
Jasper
Were we really so bad together?
Help my brother
I love
Like birds flying
It sounds too much like me.

I find things like this and PostSecret absolutely fascinating. People are fascinating. Take a look at both, everyone can appriciate this kind of thing.

Helpless

I look up to him.

When he says that he gives up, my world falls apart.

I rely on him.

I don't know what to do.

Shopping

After two days of looking with my mom, I finally found my prom dress. It's yellow and the skirt part is big and puffy, and I love it. I love it so much that I bought it, even though the zipper doesn't do up. My mom is calling someone she knows to alter the back so that it ties rather than zips, because it feels fine otherwise.

I found the dress right before we had to go home and pick up Erik from volenteering, so I didn't have time to get shoes or a necklace or anything like that. I'm hoping that someone still needs to do that so I can leave my mom alone now. She hates shopping. :)

Changing a Light Bulb

I really hate how often I hear these "How many x's does it take to screw in a light bulb?" only to be disappointed by some cheesey pun.

I don't care that it takes two ninja to screw in a light bulb; I especially don't care that the trick is getting them inside.

Likewise, I certainly did not need to know that it takes one person from Treant to screw in a light bulb and two more to defend its sexual orientation. (Thank you, post-secondary educational competition, for that lovely and quite tasteful anecdote.)

I think these jokes have so much potential that's just wasted on lame attempts to mock groups of people. Am I the only one that realizes the immense power that we have?

Steve: Hey, Jim, how many E. Coli bacteria, such as those that brought about the Walkerton epidemic, does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Jim: Gee, Steve, that's a tough one.
Steve: The answer is that it doesn't matter because if they are allowed to fester and grow in our filth, infecting our resources, their numbers will astranomical. Given infinite resources, one E.Coli cell could replicate enough times in 24 hours to cover the Earth to a depth of 1 metre.
Jim: ...Oh, wow. That's really frightening. I guess I better take this lesson to heart and realize what a precious commodity clean water is. Thanks, Steve - you really opened my eyes.

See what I mean? We have a tool to raise awareness, and not just about lesbians.

Here we go again?

I'm bad with this getting in shape thing.

I've written down new goals, all of them obtainable and possible. ...Well, they're basically the same as always, but I wrote them down again. I really want to do this, and I really should do this. It's good for me. And I want to look good in my prom dress. And my bathing suit. And fit back into my clothes...

Grr, why can't I stick to it?

Other than that little thing, I'm sick. I woke up with a bit of a sore throat, and I got worse through the day. By last period, I started to feel tired and generally not well. Good thing it was my spare. Julie took me home a little early. I crashed on the couch and have been deteriorating since. I haven't feel like this in a while, and it sucks. I really don't want to miss school, because it's so hard to catch up again... especially if you're having trouble when you're there already.

Bleh. Who passed on this cold-thing to me anyway? I can't think of anyone who is sick right now. Hmm.

Doomed...

I won't survive in university.

Not only do I not understand anything that has to do with my "future career" (but that is going to have to change, I just don't know to what), but the stress will eat me alive.

I'm getting incedibly stressed over 6 physics questions. What am I supposed to do?

Bleh.

I'm a little upset that my last post's picture didn't show up. I'm not sure why it didn't work through Flickr... maybe a setting is wrong or something? I can't figure it out. Hmm.

Well, the end of this week was awful for eating right and getting exercise, and I was surprised when I randomly jumped on the scale on Friday... it went down. But then I jumped on it again a few minutes ago and it wasn't so good anymore.

There really isn't an excuse for it. At my dad's there's tons of junk there, and not much good stuff, so it's a little unavoidable. And I'm lazy there. I don't really believe that you can gain a few pounds over a day and a half, and that if I were to weigh myself again tomorrow, it'd go down again.

Basically, I'm not good with motivating myself to sticking with it. I can do it for a few days, but then it falls apart. I eat good things, but too much of it, and maybe I don't move enough.

So I'm trying to find new motivation. I think I'll hang bathing suit up somewhere visable in my room (I was having trouble actually remembering to make myself a schedual for food to help out, and hanging the papers next to my bed helped immensely), and think about prom a lot. Right now I just want to lose weight because, well, I'm just at the overweight mark for my height, and I don't want to be. But if I keep my health in mind and then remind myself that I want to look great for prom and the summer, maybe it'll improve?

The Outing

Us
Originally uploaded by Kaitlin Smith.

Today I got to take the car out by myself for the first time. (Hurray for automatic rentals! I never want the Civic to come back.) Steve and I went out for dinner, then hung around Fort Erie, Thunder Bay beach, and my house. It was a really, really good day.

Having the car to myself was awsome. That kind of freedom is really nice to have.

Meh.

Yesterday was incredibly stressful. I had a ton of trouble getting my chemistry lab started, and I spent nearly two hours trying to figure out a question and a half on the physics review. I need to do something about the stress I experience, because a lot of the time it isn't nessisary when I look back at the situation. It gets in the way of productivity. On the bright side, the eating right thing went well.

Today I was so disappointed by my chemistry test that I got back. I thought I studied really hard. I tried my very best to do well on that test. I made a great review sheet. Yet... I ended up with a 68%. For the amount of time that I spent trying to understand it all, that's not what I diserve. I want a rewrite, but I know that it'll never happen.

I'm terrified of the physics test tomorrow. I just can't seem to wrap my head around that unit... it doesn't make sense to me. Once I feel like I finally understand something, a new concept shows up and completly thorws off what I thought I understood. Last night I kept telling myself that it'll be okay and I just need to work hard. I'm hoping that it's true.

Eating well is going well today, too. I ate a good breakfast and a good lunch. I really want to eat something now, though. It's just out of habit, and I'm not actually hungry. The after school snack - curse you! I'll make it, though.

An alright beginning

Fencing was boring for the first time. There was almost no one there, so we did stupid, easy drills. My instructor told me that I'm going to get nothing out of this course any more, and that I'll have to move up into the Open class to have "the real fun." If I stay in the Open class for two months, I can learn a new weapon! But I think after that two months is up (if I can even get that far), I wouldn't be able to make it anymore... with a summer job and all. The Open class is during the week as well, which makes things difficult to get there.

I can't say I stuck very close to my "diet", but I got a ton of exercise today, and I was careful with what I ate. It wasn't all healthy, but I only took a little. I don't feel bad about it at all, heheh. Aaron is right, it's so much easier to do during the week because there's a schedual. Oh well, it'll work out.

Back to square one.

So I kept some weight off, but then got it back. I have nothing to blame but myself, for getting too cocky and not following my goals. I tend to think a lot in the shower (odd, yes?), and I decided that I need something more to keep me focused.

Blog and mom to the rescue?

My mom is going to help me keep closer track of my dinners. They need to be measured, or else it really doesn't work well.

And if I write in here every day about how I'm doing, then I think it will definitely help keep me focused. With me, there's something about seeing things in writing that really helps my brain. I kind of miss LiveJournal cuts now... Not everyone wants to read about any weight loss progress/fall-backs! ;) So I guess if it bores you (and you actually enjoy reading this otherwise), just skip over it.

So starting tomorrow - since I've eaten everything that I'm going to be eating today - I'll keep much closer track. I think that eventually I'll get the hang of it and it'll become more of a habit. Random fact!: On average, you need to complete the same task about 20 times before it is programmed as a habit in your brain. I just think that's interesting.

Aaron Tait! You've inspired me. Keep up the good work! Just sticking to it works, right? :)

Can't

I'm really trying, but I want to tear out all of my hair. I don't understand physics, and I don't understand chemistry. I'm trying really hard to pay attention in class so I can ask questions once I get lost, but... I don't understand the first line of the note. I can't raise my hand and say, "You lost me about two months ago. Can you explain?" It doesn't work that way.

I don't think I'll be an astronomer. If I can't do the basic things now, how much hope is there? I really want that job... it's so interesting. But it seems like I'm not capable. I'm trying, but it isn't good enough.

The only reason I'm in the 80s is because of group-work. The majority of my tests have been in the 70s.

Luckily...

Today I got a letter in the mail from Queen's stating that they have already made more than half of their acceptances, and they can't accept me at this time, but I'll still be considered until late May when the final acceptances go out.

I honestly think that my grades aren't high enough for their Science program.

But if I hadn't already recieved an acceptance from McMaster, I would feel doomed right now. Still, at the moment, I do feel a little... defeated.

New Layout

I started working on it, but I'm bored now. Is it alright?

Sims

Pretty sure that instead of writing my Art essay, I'm going to make everyone in Sim form. It'll be great.

Rant

Reasons why I hate people being able to make their own MSN names:

- If you love your boy/girlfriend, just tell him/her. If I know that you're dating, I'm pretty sure it's a given that you care.
- Emo lyrics are boring. In the eternal words of Jamie: "World's Smallest Violin."
- Just use regular Roman characters... if I have to spend more than 15 seconds trying to figure out what numbers/symbols represent what letters, I get annoyed.
- Setting your MSN name to "Leave me alone" and being online is just stupid. Want to be left alone? Appear offline. MSN has this handy thing called offline messages if you want to look offline but you can still chat.
- "Woe is me, no one cares..." Ugh! This is just asking for someone to come tottering along and ask you what's wrong. And then you'll say, "Grr, nothing!" At that point you should look at yourself, say "Oh," and then get rid of that stupid thing in your name.
- Random punctuation... '}~ WTF?
- "Styrafoam purse buggy! lolololololol Jen & Bob" Okay, so here's what you do. Wait for Jen and Bob to log in, THEN tell them that personally. You see, inside jokes aren't funny to the fifty-eight other people on your list, so they just don't care.
- Links that you can't even copy & paste without getting the person to talk to you, that take up your entire browser line...
- I really hate reading all of this two hundred times in a chat.

Reasons why the Personal Message feature is so awesome:

- You can put all of your quotes, shout-outs, crazy symbols, and emo things in here, and it won't take up four lines of our chat, every time you send me a message.
- I can make my MSN window narrow enough to completely hide most of these things from view.
- It's just so much cleaner and more organized.

Yeah, I've been guilty of at least two of these things, but I now realize the err of my ways.


Edit: If your MSN name contains one of these things, I don't hate you! It's your name and you can do what you want with it. This is just a personal pet peeve of mine... we all have them.

Freedom?

More than anything, I want to drive...

Passing Time and New & Improved Goals

Today is my dad's first anniversary with Lydia. I'm still mad that he couldn't find a different time, because Erik's birthday is tomorrow. Actually, I don't know why that really bothers me. I just feel like it takes away from his birthday, seeing as how it seems like they're busy cooing and giving each other diamonds.

Erik got majorly spoiled by my dad for his birthday, and I can't help but feel a little jealous. (My dad said that my brother was spoiled because I was spoiled for my 16th birthday - I think I got a flat iron for my hair, but that's hardly being spoiled, hmm...) Erik was given some pretty awesome computer parts, but my dad was too cheap to get the store to put the computer all together, so it became a project of doom. Erik put it together twice, but never got anything but the fans to work. Thanks to my dad's cheapness, Erik won't have a computer at all for almost a week because it needs to sit in the store "being worked on." Why do stores do that? It doesn't take a week to look inside and say, "Oh, there's the problem."

Since my weight loss efforts are failing, I sat down and re-evalutated my goals. It's going to take some major disipline, but it's all very possible.

- No more buying crap from the cafeteria. Crap meaning candy and chips, even if I can get it to fit in with my points. If I do need to buy lunch there, it will definately be sensible.
- Exercising doesn't mean I get to have a little more to eat. That just defeats to whole purpose!
- Snacks should be as healthy as possible. Fruit is good, and tasty. Mmm, fruit.
- Curse you Weight Watchers, for adding FlexPoints. As great as they are to have, I'm going to use them very sparingly.

Yeah, I think that'll do. I really think that after writing these down and really being able to see them, it'll definately help.

And now, Physics homework...

Secrets and Layouts and Lined Paper

Every Sunday, I go to PostSecret. It reminds me that there are still "human" people out there. It makes me think of my own secrets. It makes me sad for the people who send in their postcards, but I know that they're better now because of it.

This morning I started to make a layout for this blog, that actually had to do something with fabric. I found this beautiful picture of a piece of orange fabric, and I pretty much fell in love with it. I stretched it out to a banner size... and then I got distracted. Now that I've written about it, I'm inspired to keep going.

I'm sitting here with a binder full of lined paper and a cheap blue pen, waiting for the right words to come to me. These are my tools of my trade. Before I found this binder, I went through my big binder of things I've written since I was about 11 years old. It's funny to see how much your writing has changed over the years. It's also funny to see how I've struggled with writing the same idea for almost 7 years.

Weee

Haha... I'm such a loser.

Memories

My dad loves to tell all of the embarassing childhood stories to anyone, as soon as the oppertunity arises. The trouble is that he never gets the stories right. I think that for 75% of the stories he tells, he wasn't even there, and not only do I remember him not being there, but there's photo and video proof of him not being there for things that I can't remember.

Today he told a story completely wrong, and I remember it perfectly. He wasn't there, I don't think. Today I finally corrected every bit that was wrong, and he stumbled along, trying to fix up his broken version. As evil as it might sound, it felt good to do that to him.

Sometimes it feels like they're all lies. Like he's trying to make himself into some wonderful parent that charished every moment. Sometimes, more than anything else, I want him to feel like he did screw up, because that's what he did.

Words & Games

I want to write wonderful things that make everyone understand what's happening in my mind. I try, but it's never quite right. I don't know how to make it right. There's no such words for what I want to say. How do other people manage to get everything out in such beautiful ways?

Lately I've been playing more FFXI. It's fun to become someone who isn't really you, but more of... an extension of you. It's fun to become musically inclined in one moment, then decide that you want to be strong and take a spot in the front lines the next. It's nice to be someone who your friends come to for help, and it's nice to appear successful.

I don't know

I don't like when people ask me questions about our homework. 9 and a half times out of 10, my reply is "I don't know."

I used to be someone that you could go to with your questions, but not anymore.

It just makes me feel ...

I don't know what that feeling is, but it's negative.

In these past two years, I learned a lot, and I've grown because of it. I think I've come a lot closer to being the type of person that I'll be for the rest of my life - the adult I'll become and always be.

In these past two years, I learned about people. I learned that there is one person out there that has the ability to completely restore your faith in all people. I learned that there is someone who will always believe in you, even if you're not heading in the right direction. There is someone out there that sees true beauty in your flaws, but can still appreciate what you like about yourself. I learned that this person can amaze and surprise you every day, and it could never become redundant. This person can make anything feel better, no matter what.

Sometimes these things seem so unreal or impossible. But in these past two years, I learned that it's all true.

And above all, I learned that I am capable of these exact things.

I love you, darling, with all my heart.

University

I'm worried because a bunch of people are getting accepted into programs already, but I haven't heared anything at all. I'm so paranoid of not getting into anywhere.

Holidays

I can't decide whether or not Valentine's Day is important. Yes, it's commercial and silly to be told what day you're supposed to 'love' someone, but still, it's Valentine's Day.

Even if I do have someone to celebrate it with, I still don't like that day. It confuses me.

I was hoping it'd be better

I thought that the change to a new semester would make things a little better, but it's already too hard and stressful to deal with.

I'm feeling defeated so often now. I keep thinking that I must've been kidding myself when I thought I was capable of all of these things. Sometimes it's bad to have too much faith in yourself, because it doesn't help anything along. I really think that I'm trying, but my trying isn't good enough, and sometimes it can't be helped.

Giving up isn't something I do, but my options are running low.

Bored, lonely...

Things change - that's what I'm told.

But how come I'm just watching it all change around me? How come I'm not changing with the rest of them?

Success!

I got a 92 on my English exam, which makes me really happy. I ended the course with an 88, so that exam bumped me up a percent. Wee!

Steve got a 96, and I'm really proud. :)

I can't think of anything witty.

English is done with, and so is chemistry. Thank God for that.

It's not that I had trouble with them, I'm just happy that they're out of the way.

Nothing new has really happened to me. I don't have any extravagant opinions about the world nor do I have anything really nifty to post. Kaitlin bugged me to update so now I've done it.

Biology and Calculus left and then we'll start the new semester. I'm sure I'll ace biology and I'm really confident about calculus now that I have a cheat-sheet.

One down...

I'm not too confident about the English Exam I just wrote, mostly because I couldn't finish my essay. I had about five mintues left and I was about half-way through my third paragraph, so I just wrote the rest of my idea in point form. Hopefully that'll help. I'm also worried because I couldn't work in all of the quotes I memorized. But I'm glad it's over and done with now.

I looked through the Science booklet for McMaster, and it says nothing about English courses. Joy!

I planned on studying this afternoon so I could enjoy the evening. Erm... it never happened. I keep pushing it back. I'm so lazy. I really want to do well, but how can I if I keep doing this? Can I afford to take Friday off? I want to. I should try to plan this out.

I still need to finish that Queen's PSE. I hate that thing. I'm not a community leader, or a community anything. I don't understand what it has to do with being an astronomer. Meh, I don't think I'm getting in there anyway.

I have fencing tomorrow. I'm having a horrible time remembering the names of all the parries, which makes line-up not so fun. I remember vaugely how to do all of them, but it doesn't help. I don't like how the class I'm in doesn't really go over how to do things, or even really goes into fine-tuning any skills, which seems odd of a class that's just out of the beginner classes. It's still fun, but that part gets frustrating.

I spent a lot of the day sleeping, playing video games, and hanging out with Sue - we ate bad things and watched Sailor Moon. We enjoyed the, "*whip craking* Professor!!", and "Star Gentle Uterus!". Good times.

ARG.

So, I began today in a relatively good mood, until someone mentioned my mood and how good it is, considering I have an exam on Thursday. At first I thought, meh, it's just English. How do you really study for that? Print out some quotes and try to remember them, I guess. At least, that's basically what I did last year.

I don't care enough about calculus. I really should. In class, I really care. I get so angry and frustrated with myself, knowing that I can't see what everyone else appears to easily be able to. The last two units have been somewhat of a trainwreck for me, and I have all of these plans to really get on back on track with calculus. Umm... that wasn't meant to be a pun. I have all of my books sitting beside me, because I want to catch up. HA! Yesterday I opened my textbook, looked at what I needed to be doing, promptly closed it, and used my books as a footrest.

World History... how I loath thee. I'm going to try to convince Shaubel to let me do everything on the computer, because I really don't feel like taking the time to cut and paste things for a time line. Does anyone else think that's sort of childish?

So much to do, yet I sit here blogging, and watching Sailor Moon, and election things, and thinking about eating ice cream... I'll surely run out of time for everything.

Ack, why can't I get started on this calculus? Why why why? Where the eff is my motivation?

Nifty

Let this be known as my first post. I'll try to keep constant with this one!

But for now, I'll leave this as a "hello world."

New and Pretty

I think I'll move my blog here.