August 19, 2006

It's Okay

This has been nagging me for a bit.

I've been feeling awkward at parties. It kind of makes me feel iffy towards going to them. It's just that everyone seems to be waiting for me to go so that everyone can drink. I guess... no one ever asked. There was that huge thing awhile ago, and from it, a million assumptions were made. You can drink while I'm there. At first I felt like no one was having fun just being what we always had been, but I guess this is part of growing up. I haven't really had a fun or exciting time with a drunk person before, so it's not like it's something I get all psyched for... I'm just indifferent. I don't drink because I haven't found anything that tastes good to me, and I just don't care that much about it. I can wait a year, it's just not important to me. The only thing that ever bothered me was a reason to drink that two people gave me. It's just such a wrong and sad reason to do it.

Part of me sees myself as an idiot, missing out on something that you all seem to have so much fun with. That part of me wants to be a "normal teenager" so badly. I want to have fun with my friends again, and not feel like such a weird outcast.

I kind of feel like I've been a hassle to have over. I'm sorry about all this. I'm a little sad that no one ever asked, but then again, I'm much more annoyed at myself for never saying anything. And I didn't know how else to say it but in writing. So... whatever. It's okay.

1 comment:

Julianne said...

This is going to sound really rude, but it has to be said...

If we really didn't want you at the parties, we wouldn't invite you. And its really frustrating because it seems impossible to make you happy. We do like you, we do enjoy your company. Otherwise, we wouldn't have adjusted our parties to accomodate you. You just over-analyse things... Just sit back, relax and have a fun time, the more you think about these things, the more uncomfortable you'll feel.