Secrets and Layouts and Lined Paper

Every Sunday, I go to PostSecret. It reminds me that there are still "human" people out there. It makes me think of my own secrets. It makes me sad for the people who send in their postcards, but I know that they're better now because of it.

This morning I started to make a layout for this blog, that actually had to do something with fabric. I found this beautiful picture of a piece of orange fabric, and I pretty much fell in love with it. I stretched it out to a banner size... and then I got distracted. Now that I've written about it, I'm inspired to keep going.

I'm sitting here with a binder full of lined paper and a cheap blue pen, waiting for the right words to come to me. These are my tools of my trade. Before I found this binder, I went through my big binder of things I've written since I was about 11 years old. It's funny to see how much your writing has changed over the years. It's also funny to see how I've struggled with writing the same idea for almost 7 years.

Weee

Haha... I'm such a loser.

Memories

My dad loves to tell all of the embarassing childhood stories to anyone, as soon as the oppertunity arises. The trouble is that he never gets the stories right. I think that for 75% of the stories he tells, he wasn't even there, and not only do I remember him not being there, but there's photo and video proof of him not being there for things that I can't remember.

Today he told a story completely wrong, and I remember it perfectly. He wasn't there, I don't think. Today I finally corrected every bit that was wrong, and he stumbled along, trying to fix up his broken version. As evil as it might sound, it felt good to do that to him.

Sometimes it feels like they're all lies. Like he's trying to make himself into some wonderful parent that charished every moment. Sometimes, more than anything else, I want him to feel like he did screw up, because that's what he did.

Words & Games

I want to write wonderful things that make everyone understand what's happening in my mind. I try, but it's never quite right. I don't know how to make it right. There's no such words for what I want to say. How do other people manage to get everything out in such beautiful ways?

Lately I've been playing more FFXI. It's fun to become someone who isn't really you, but more of... an extension of you. It's fun to become musically inclined in one moment, then decide that you want to be strong and take a spot in the front lines the next. It's nice to be someone who your friends come to for help, and it's nice to appear successful.

I don't know

I don't like when people ask me questions about our homework. 9 and a half times out of 10, my reply is "I don't know."

I used to be someone that you could go to with your questions, but not anymore.

It just makes me feel ...

I don't know what that feeling is, but it's negative.