April 19, 2007

My grandma died of brain cancer last weekend. I really thought I was okay for a while, and that I could handle it. Today I'm supposed to have my calculus exam at 9:00-12:00, and then leave immediately for the funeral. My studying was going fairly well and I thought that I was managing. I was understanding things I hadn't before.

Then I had a huge breakdown in a realization of what had actually happened. I kept thinking how I had to go to a funeral. I kept thinking of how I'd be thinking about this funeral all through the exam. I don't think I've cried so hard before. I've never lost anyone and I've never been to a funeral. I'm glad that the last thing we said to each other was that we loved each other, even though she had a lot of difficulty saying it.

I called my dad at midnight and told him that I couldn't deal with all of this. He and I decided that it might be best to defer this exam, even if it is last minute. I honestly thought I could do it, but I just can't. My dad and I talked for a while about the things that we remembered and the pictures he's found. He's making some sort of presentation for the funeral, and he said that he's found lots of pictures of her and I together.

I honestly can't believe that this didn't hit me as hard as it did sooner. I don't really understand it. I can't believe the timing that my entire year has had. It's all been really weird and sad. I don't know why I didn't vent as much as I needed to until now.

Once this day is over, I'll be okay. I'll be able to sleep and relax a little. Soon I'll be going home and it'll get better.

I just hope I'm making the right move with this exam. I have mixed feeling about it. But right now I need to sleep and get on with this day.

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